In honor of Nation Pet Day! Here is a letter written to me in the voice of Oscar. Enjoy!
It’s me, Oscar! I have heard you mention several times to your friends that you wish I could talk for a day and you wonder what I would say. Yes, I understand English very well. I know more than simply “Go Walkin’’ “Kibble” “Good Boy” “Ride in the Car” and “Puporoni”. Well, here is my letter to you. Enjoy!
Stop telling me “No”. We both know you don’t mean it. Even though you don’t want me eating bones on the new sofa or ripping apart toys on the bed, I will do it anyways and you will secretly think it is cute. So, let’s cut the sh*t with that, huh?
I hate it when you blow in my face. I have always hated it. I will always hate it. And thanks for teaching all of your friends to do it. Whenever I hear you say, “Want to see Oscar freak out?” I know it is coming! I know you are doing it because you think it is funny. I don’t. That’s why I glare at you. I wish I could blow in your face when you are trying to sleep and see how you like it!
I know you think it is so cute how I eat one piece of kibble at a time. I do that because kibble sucks. Do you think I like eating Beneful one kibble at a time while you and dad are feasting on pizza and chicken? Come on woman, get ahold of yourself! Don’t worry though, your parents tell you they never give me table food while they are watching me during the day. They are liars; I just finished a ham sandwich and a bag of chips. Winning!
STOP telling me I have “doggie breath.” I’m a dog! Have you smelled your own breath lately? Lay off the onions, homegirl!
Just because you like to run doesn’t mean I have to! That doggie 5k that you forced me into, never again. I ran that thing in 42 minutes with 2 inch legs because some psycho kept yelling “We don’t walk in this family, Oscar. Get moving”. Yeah, I’m looking at you, mom!
And what’s with the new “Oscar gets put in a cage when we go out” rule? One time. I destroyed the bathroom door while you were out, one time. One time, and now there’s this hard and fast rule. I panicked! You left me for a month! Or was it an hour? Or was it 5 minutes? Come one, you know I have no way to knowing, I panicked! I am sorry! Also, can I get a toy in there with me for some company, jeez?!
Every time you come home smelling like another dog, it really hurts my feelings.
By the way: “Oscar” is a human name. Remember that time that lady in the park kept calling her son named “Oscar” and I kept running over to her. I saw you and Auntie Jill laughing your butts off, that wasn’t funny. I think I have earned a puparoni for each time I went running over to her like a fool.
Speaking of “Aunties”: how in the hell do I have so many Aunties when I know you don’t have any sisters? Auntie Belle, Auntie Lisa, Auntie Melissa, Auntie May, Auntie Kristen, Auntie Ashley…come on! You know they are all my girlfriends. Do you see the way they look at me? I am a total ladies’ man!
I apologize for my silently but deadly farts in the middle of the night. Ok, now your turn.
Ok, now that I got all of that off my chest, I have a few other things I need to day:
I love you! Thank you for always picking me up and hugging me when Dad yells at me, even when I deserve it. Thanks for sharing your pillow with me at night and cuddling with me, you know I am scared of the dark. I know it is annoying when I obsessively lick my paws, I just can’t help it.
I will never forget seeing your smiling face the very first time I opened my eyes (oh, by the way you have ages a lot in the past 6 years. Sorry, but it’s true). As much as it confuses the crap out of me, I do love that you have a whole slew of nicknames for me: Oscey, Dragon, Mr. Little, Dooby Dog, Fuzzy Butt, Jingle Toes, Pupalicious.
That time when I was really sick as a puppy, I know my treatment costs a pretty penny and you were just a broke recent college graduate. Thanks for sacrificing so much to save my life. And for visiting me in the dog hospital everyday while I was sick. I made me feel so much less scared to know you where there. I do, however, resent the nickname “Million Dollar Dog” that I earned after you paid that bill!
Sorry I was such a pain to house train. Boy, are you guys persistent, huh? I thought I was stubborn, but I guess you and dad won that war. Aside from the times I pee on your pillow or poop in your new slippers to get you back when I get upset with you. I’m vindictive. My bad.
Anyhow, I wanted to tell you that I love you so much. No matter what you do, who you piss off, how much you screw up in life, I always think you are the best thing on two legs. You are my entire world. I am always on your side. I know when you are sad or happy, I can sense it. You are my best friend!
PS- After to read this you may find a mess in your bedroom of chewed up socks, underwear and dog toys. Before you go to yell at me, reread this letter to familiarize yourself with how loving and witty I am. If that doesn’t work, here is my cutest picture!